transitions.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

days of hanging out with gang makes my body clock screwed up. 3 times to orchard road and i find it already so boring. plus, maybe for the past few years i been fighting for gold coated in shit, and forgot to find shit coated in gold. HAHAHAHA im crazy. well

Thursday, December 27, 2007

SPECIAL ENTRY IN RED!

okay theres no special reason why its in red, but i just want it to be in red cause i wanna do a recap on what i have done in singapore. ( okay im know i said no special reason ).

i've been here for around a week. and i ate BAK KUT TEH with my parents 4 times, ate prata i think 3-4 times too. how sad?

i just went out with bingshun just now, my secondary school friend ( my class sitting partner ) too. hahaha, finally we got to have some private time to talk. i can tell that hes still the same and that yeah i think he told me i changed a little here and there. but he was really nice today like he told me

" move on, you were meant for greater things in life ".

its like TADA~ i feel BOOM. im meant for greater things HAHAHAHAHA. okay i know im being lame here but it just gives you a wah feeling, someone in the corner of the world believes that i can do more than now. i really do feel encouraged, and i hope that i wil remember what he says.
anyway i saw a not so pretty girl driving an SL in prata house, and i think ahbengs who drives a S550 with AMG kit. that gotta cost like $400.000 in singapore. kinda nuts?

met with the gang too. haha but we didnt do much, but we did spend some quality time to play LAN. i know it sounds lame, but there isnt anything you can do here other then to find things to do, kill some time. LAN is fun cause america you don't get to play lan! everything is online games now. we also ate some quality ramen in singapore( which is rare ) and then afterwards we went by orchard plaza. mann there were so many hot thai girls. SO WAO, their figures were so sexy, tall, nice booty and boobs big and revealing ( some ) enough to make your nose bleed. but we figured out they were prostitutes. think singapore's 7-11 or cheeers, 50% of them are STRATEGICALLY LOCATED near those places. haha places where people sell their bodies and man buy sex.

i didnt really spend much money, most of the money went to treating friends to eat. i been to orchard once, only 26th of december and that with gang and genim. i haven't gotten a chance to shop. and the amazing thing is that i NEVER did buy anything. its amazing right!

this year feels the most weird. i feel empty when im in singapore yet i don't feel so sad. i mean over the past few years, i kinda like " lose " more things then i gain things in singapore. each year i come back i can feel the extra drfit and gap between me and my friends. but im really thankful that a few of my friends are still the same, like i feel like nothing has changed. particularly ewen and andre. we should take some pictures together sometimes, we hardly ever did. did we?

now its 10 minutes to 6, its the familiar sound of sbs buses' engine sound. that sound so loud you can hear from so far away, that it reminds you of the school days. ezlink sound that goes " tet " and you board the crowded busy with your school uniform. walk gracefully and try to establish what school you are from. ( okay i was so fat last time how could i walk gracefully ). what a joke.
i think i have a lot of fate and affinity with IJ girls, like people around me tend to be from IJ! even the close friends etcs. seriously, how weird. i mean i can just chat to them instantly. hahahaha. IJs. a term that i commonly use when im in secondary school.

the things i ask for is always ridiculous. like, a person who can change my life forever. hahaha i can never find someone like that. an incident that will change my life forever, yeah think even if it did happen it would be a bad thing. born into the families of royalty, or militarist family. hello im already 19 years old ! next life perhaps ! i wonder how good will 2008 be. i just hope this 1.5 years will be good, its a crucial period of life for me. ( more impt then other period of life! )

im left with 6 months of university of life, and from that point onwards, i will be on my own feet. it sounds scary, but yeah feels like i have so many goals and dreams to fulfill now. even now, i have so many things i can't forget. its just me. i shan't ask for anything more, i shall learn to treasure things the way they are. ( hopefully ).

im meant for greater things, maybe i am.

and i feel so wanna show people the things i can do, 30% of the good things and 70% of the bad things. hahahaha !

doesnt matter.

i think within 24 hours i will become the old lazy stubborn darwin again, who has no strong wil determination who is always bullshitting and who depends on his luck and fengshui to change his life. hahaha see another pointless entry. i will remember to post some pictures if i do have a chance.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

401 post, seems like singapore made me feel so bored and then i been writing so much.

well.

and..

i wont be deceived.

im tired. dumbass xmas this is

Monday, December 24, 2007

守る。

母さん?

its christmas. there are more reasons not to celebrate as compared to reasons to celebrate or to be happy about. i was on my way home and thought about all the christmas(es) i had in the past ( that i could remember ). the only happy one i remember was when i was 4 or 5, i got a present from a christmas tree. its the first time that i got a present for christmas. i remembered, it was highlighter, 4 colors. the shape of the highlighters were rectangles. i know this is random, but i thought i should jot it down since 10 years down the road i would probably forget what happened 15 years back then. also my brother gave me christmas present last time, a model kit. i was so happy but it was so stupid, he bought it for me and assembled it, and gave it to me. so whats the point of having a model kit that i couldnt assemble.

all christmas is fucked up, and i really do mean its all full of shit.

i hope i can make today 25th of 2007 a good christmas !

every good thing that you remember will end up being a sad thing.
because of sadness, you feel happy, yet because of happiness you feel saddness.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

" at least you look happy to me "

am i? sometimes i wonder what are the things that you treasure the most.
and im starting to wonder

why people placed importance on things that doesnt place importance on them. why you care about some people who don't care people about you and then you vent your anger and misery on people that shower their care and love to you. i know its random, but i just thought of so many maybes.

but do you realize that some MAYBEs won't come true, but.
but.

the some maybes in life, WILL just happen but its just a matter of time. i guess people have the misconception, or rather i have the misconception of maybe its just an assumption of things that won't happen. but i have perhaps forgotten that some things in life will happen, its just a matter of time or another way of happening that results in the same ending. i wish i could done better but i know that when i wake up, i would have forgotten what i wrote now. i hope one day i will look back in life and read my own entries and constantly remind me of things that i shouldn't forget.

others before self. does karma really exist was it just another stupid and wishful thinking of humans to self-console themselves.

i won't ask for a change in a night. i just hope i will change, little by litttle, bit by bit.

look around you. look at the time. look at how long they will be there, before they will definitely be gone.

Friday, December 21, 2007

singapore is still the same.

dumbass weather & dumbass attitude.
i just don't know what to do here at times. the internet is slow, and i just have nothing to do ! argh makes me feel so sad. on top of that i have to miss one week of school. not that i like hate or missing school but its just....makes me feel bad about it.

argh ! univ is finishing and im so worried. life afterwards, career and marriage, and im just another step closer to the society. okay why am i talking about marriage. maybe when you graduate, marriage is the next thing you think about? now i wonder who will i get married to. hahahahahaha okay just some silly thoughts.

i hate myself being have to be in this - position. when the truth one day will be found out by others. i hate this feeeling. i just feel that there are so many things i need to do in order to justify so many things. hate this feeeling. seriously.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

sighs

came back to singapore like nothing good happened, esp my grades. how is it possible i missed a 16 points question on the finals? theres just no WAY mannn. dn tell me i was so excited that i missed a16 points question on the finals?

hai, my assssss high,

like what mom said to me, when you were in singapore you were so studious. you slept a lot but you did well. but now in america? i look down upon the whole ucsd and their fucking faculty yet i screw myself up. endless of " i will do better" shits every new quarter and yets unproductive. seriously, im starting to worry about my own future. so worried, scared and everything.

omg im really starting to get paranoid and i can't even focus on being happy in singapore. i havent met any of my friends yet. no idea why but im just not in the mood to do so.

i know i need to change myself.
maybe, i really need something drastic to change my life, no.

to change my life forever.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

sighs.

sad to say,

i don't know why im not that happy to come back. perhaps america was an escape, its just like a dreamland. where only today matters, where the past nor future doesnt matter that much. arghhhh

and a side note.

seriously, i couldn't careless about it. i guess being sadistic is just part of the human instincts.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

what this sudden pain in the chest.

on the way home, flash backs of what happened appeared in my mind, accompanied with the nearly the same feeling that i felt last time. seriously, i do feel like something nasty is going to happen sooon. argh

なんだこの気持。。

i hope i can get the ticket on monday, or else im going to be so screwed! mom's gonna kill me.

******

now for the crappy part or else readers will be bored. zzz my readers can only be count by fingers, how sad.

so i went to LA with yao, and we went to pick yao's parent up. yao's sucha stupid ass and i do believe he inflicted me with his stupidity. he remembered the arrival time wrongly, or he assumed wrongly or smth so its like hes parent waited for an hour or so in the airport. hahaha i seriously like his parents. they are so so so so funny, just like his son. HAHA.

so we went to eat gyu kaku and i had a overdosage of kobe beef and also plus!

a fucking ticket for my car. wait its not a ticket, its TICKETS.

more funny parts but i rather keep it to myself. lol.

**********

back to the sad part, which is.
people say, if you try to be someone who you're not, you will be lost and change into something else.

i say, everyone is different, the more you try to be somewhere else the more you will realize who you are. reason behind it, because there will be one of these days that you can't keep up with it, and finally know where you stand.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

yeaps !
don't ask me why i have this new template though i recently just change one. わかりません! thought maybe the old one was a little too ricey, too colorful. maybe im just mono color /greyscale person, not multicolored. life is not suppose that colorful anyway, at least not colorful know.

either way, i doubt i can go back to singapore. im gonna try on monday for a goshow, if i fail to do so i will stay in america for the first winter. going to be so lonely i guess, but loneliness is the greatest challenge for everyone. by the time you conquer it, you must have go through extreme happiness and sadness.

i also added a tagboard, just incase people want to leave a message, but if they don't want to thats fine. annoyomous, friends family or enemies whichever as long you can type you're welcome to write on it. haha don't be to surprised if you see your name here and i cursed you for like a year or so. this kind of things happened. since i write on the net, im prepared to face the consequences of people knowing my prviate life. and since you're using the internet and go blog surfing, then you should be prepared for conequences like these - when people use their blog and scold the shit out of you.

well it happens.

i like this blogskin that i made myself though, suits my mood now and has loadsa meaning to it. the previous one, there was something in it too, wonder if you guys did figure out about the skin. but if you didn't tada too late.

this few days im so mooody, crystal kay's songs gets me thinking.

so many people these days having problems. それは何か。

this blog entry has seriously no meaning to it. its not even nonsense, and its not even useful materials. im tired. ねます、じゃね世界のみなさん。死ねぞ、おまえたち。

Friday, December 14, 2007

i wanna tell someone out there so near me yet i know and we don't know and we know and they dont know we know whether they know so do you know what im saying

point is, theres no point.

nah joking.

bothered by love? call or text the love guru darwin for 5c at (925)-nine1four954zero.
( if anyone tries to stalk me, trust me ill call the cops )
( but once again im kidding cause im not so free to call the cops )
(plus im going back already, unless stalker can remember when im coming back to the states )

tomorrow i shall do something outrageous.

HAHAHAHAHA.

okay im crazy. putting number on the blog is really dangerous, isnt it pukityo?

some people falling in love, falling out of love.

is... love really that important? of course not parental love i was talking about.

but you know what i meann.

love love love, its that simple but people just like to make it complicated.
like what i said,use your brains before you use your feeling.

and i can reply myself to my own line, in love you use your heart more than your brains, thats why its called love.

then i would talk to myself and say

its called break up because its broken

okay im so random.

people out there !

look properly, THINK carefully.
soon enough time will change a lot of things, especially when you meet with more people and they inject you with their theories on life.

plus i find it weird when people talk about things when they never exactly been through it. well

weird isnt it, you reading my blog. HA

Thursday, December 13, 2007

since i can't do anything about it i can only pray to whomever wanna listen to my prayers, though once again when i say i pray i don't pray. well nvm.

hope everything turns out better.

for you and for me and for everyone.

well of course priority is me.

man im still in the mood to joke, i must be crazy. that email should have at least tore me into half but im still in one piece.

darwin darwin, forever strong ! ( maybe not )

comes back to sigh !

well i should just study.

i don't want god to make decisions for me.

i want to make decisions myself.

this trip back to sg i doubt it would be a good one. but we can't keep running away can we. somethings will happen eventually, its just a matter of time.

i'll save some love who for those who needs me. do you?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

somethings that you that doesn't need your concern, yet we try to be nice giving them care and concern when they don't need it or at least even appreciate it.

somethings that need your care or even a slightest concern, yet it is always forgotten.

i don't know how to continue writting, because there are so many things i can't tell.
so many things even if i told anyone and it still can't be solved.

open your eyes and see
the one who needs you

not in the name of love
not in the name of god.

i totally can feel it now. ( at least a little )

the feeling of lonliness
the feeling of wanting attention
the feeling of needing someone
the feeling of needing someone to take you away
the feeling of being abandoned
the feeling of being abandoned and never be able to walk out of it for the rest of your life

the feeling of wanting to be saved, but not from god.

who would stand for an extra minute to hear their stories
who would stand for an extra minute to hear their sorrows

society changes and abandoned the past, and we moved on and they left behind.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

i don't know if you do remember when was this picture taken, but haha but it was dated august 21, 2005. which means this picture is already 2 years plus. it was at my house, lol i was still so fucking fat omggg look at me. you were still loooking like a damn assss babyy and lol i think i havent started drinking at the point of time.

life was still quite simple back then? all we had to do was to eat, go to school together, skip class, copy homework, talk about more complicated stuff, talk about hilary duff to morning musume. haha those were the good old times? lol. hanging out at each other place was so easy, but right now you're like 120 miles away from me you ASSSSHOLEEEEE !!!! lol. how come im reminiscing the past? tsktsk. i still remember, the both of us used the same fone twice. Qtek and 8800. HAHAHA how stupid was that, your Qtek spoilt and my 8800 CRACKED. LOL, and of course needless to say your 7250 was damaged by me and it just slide against the flooorr HAHAHAHAHAHA so funnnny. and i stil remember telling you about life that time about how lucky you were HAHAHA . my goddd its been so long hasn't it? 2 years man. tsktsk.

lol you know because of the high technology available on the internet, they could easily track down my damn ass blog so i shall not put be your name. but wait, im smarter then technology

all i have to is just put

HAPPPY BIRTHDAYYYYY !

Pra53tYoZXZxzZxzzzzzzzz

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

eh idiot i known you for so long already. hahaha we can keep this wishing for later this coming weekend. im so gonna suck the blood out of you...

wish you the best, but i wish myself the best too for my exams using your birthday. let me share you wishes too okay HAHAHA.

alrighty buddy, lets get drunk on the plane. your post bday celebration with me HAHAHAHA ! IKUZO!

Monday, December 10, 2007

actually, honestly i can't really remember anything. memories, it became more like a story to tell.

like a story book that the chapter has ended. how weird it is, but i guess its the way it is.

as time goes along, you just move away from that certain event. its not a choice and i guess it happens for everyone.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

this world afterall is making use of each other huh?

amazing.

there will be a day for payback time.

so many things you want to change in your life, but why do we always only look back to the things that has changed instead of changing the future.

hahaha

so much theories in life, i feel that its better if you just sit back and stop thinking and start looking around the things near you.

like

my wall? hahaha. im thinking what i can do with it, well apparently theres nothing i can do. life is boring but i have no idea why im satisfied with it. perhaps i just hate risks, and starting to like to take things the way it is.

Friday, December 07, 2007

it just came out to me before i wanted to sleep.

-
being happy for others is part of my hypocrisy, cursing others is my part of my true identity .
-

i wonder if im really bad, like naturally. i don't have a heart of gold, i doubt i have a silver one, or bronze. im just a rusted steel, that pierce through your heart and leave you with bits and pieces of rust to poison you, intoxicate you, to infect you with my diseases so you could die.

they always say, people don't know me, so don't judge me or they don't have the right to judge you. but how much do you know yourself to judge yourself, to know your limits and to know what is right and wrong, or how far is the right from your wrong.

its not possible for you to stop people from judging you nor i do feel that its wrong to judge people.

its their mouth and mind, its attached to their body. what can you do anyway, rip it off and make it into smth else? joke.

im really a badass

Thursday, December 06, 2007

fantasies are for fools, i don't want to be one of them.
or was it my wishful thinking that fairytales still come true. i must among the under 15 years old group outta of the 3 billion man on earth. stupidity stupidity.

maybe cursing others isnt a bad thing after all? hahahaha at least it makes you happy

man why am i typing like this, aaaaaaaaah fucking makes me look like a moron.

its not that complicated isnt it, complications only come when you complicate things.

not every question have an answer, nopes. every question in life has an answer, its just whether if we could accept the answer given to us.

wanna know what you feel like きみのこと。
どうして is it hard to say.

there are always reasons to sigh for and there are always reasons to smile for.

eventually reasons to smile for will become reasons to sigh for.

same reason, different ending.

afterall, in life there is so much you can hold, and maybe when you take, you lose something in the process. sometimes are better left not known, the more you search you for it, the more you get lost.

いますぐあいたい。あいたい、きみのえがお。

HAHA i should stop acting emo.

i know a reason for smiling that will never turn to sighing. is that no matter how old i am, as long i have my eyes, i can always see pretty girls ! HAHAHAHA. i better pray i don't get blind man. why did god created eve? so that adam wouldn't get bored. why did god created pretty japanese people, so that darwin wouldn't get bored! dang seriously what the hell am i saying

sometimes i wonder 19 years of education taught me what? every year i just become dumber, everyday i just become lazier.

***********

i always wanted a change in life, but im just not ready for it or rather im just too scared to lose anything more that im already holding on to. i don't want to go through the feeling of knowing how important it is and treasuring it at the very last moment when its gonna be gone.

but, afterall we're only humans.

because humans make mistakes.
but they always make the same mistakes again and again, without fail.